liquidation | 001 | Stupid Won't-Die Bastard

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001 | Stupid Won't-Die Bastard | Video

[Who’s blond, angry, and ranting at his Pokegear? If you guessed ‘Liquid goddamn Snake’, you get a prize.]

I do not care who all of you are, or where I am, or how I have come to be here. I do not care if I have been spirited off to a strange world or if I am hallucinating though the latter seems much more likely than the former. Bloody Stinger missiles. Such mere details are irrelevant until I have gained the knowledge of one thing, and one thing only!

[dramatic pause]

The location of one man, the one man amongst the billions of wretches filling this miserable earth whose every breath is an affront to me. The light to my darkness, the flesh of my flesh and blood of my blood, the man who casts a shadow that stretches to the end of the world! The man who stands high and secure upon an indomitable pedestal, the missing parts of my genetic legacy, who stole the birthright that should be mine! I will not rest until I find him! I will tear apart the fabric of this universe if I must!

My brother! Solid Snake!

[Protip: the prize is a rant.]

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I'll speak as I please, Doctor. You've no right to try commanding me.

[There were some things that couldn't be changed; not that Liquid had been able to try when he'd been sent back. He couldn't change what he couldn't remember.]

Forgotten what, exactly? I've been far too busy to listen to your babbling in the past few weeks, if you hadn't noticed. I had something of a war going on.

...

[Oh, hell no.]

[Liquid lost all intimidation rights over Otacon a long time ago, not to mention ten years was apparently long enough to grow a spine.]

Don't even start this whole thing. I'm not going to listen to the overblown ranting and the half-crazy demands all over again.

[Liquid seemed taken aback for a moment; since when did Emmerich ever do anything but stutter and try not to get underfoot?]

[And why was the idea that he had a spine not quite as surprising as it should have been?]

Last I checked, you were not my keeper.

[Oh, that was a tension headache starting. Of course, of course Liquid wouldn't remember. Because, Otacon thought with no small amount of bitterness, that would be easy. And god knew nothing could ever be easy or kind at all for either of them.]

You're basically telling me you have only the vaguest idea where you are and what the current circumstances are. Right?

As long as I know more about that than you, I think you should probably stop scowling and start listening to me.

...

[As loath as he was to admit it, the engineer had a point. Liquid's memory wasn't clear enough to be of much use right now, and he had information.]

Fine. I'll play along for now and pretend that I don't half believe this is a hallucination. Talk, Emmerich.

..It's just Hal, first of all.

I know your name, Emmerich. If I wanted to use it, I would have.

Well, you might want to think about being a little more civil if you want any information from me.

[Your shit. He is having none of it.]

Since when did you have the spine to talk back to me?

[He's pretty sure he doesn't like it. :|]

[If a single facial expression could say 'shut up, you're stupid and I am so frustrated with you I can't see straight', it would be that one.]

Since it's ten years after Shadow Moses, for one. Since we spent at least a year in this crazy universe together, and since I've watched you pull the most ridiculous things here it'd probably be years' worth of blackmail if I recorded it.

But mostly I stopped being afraid of you after you told me your real name. So here's a crazy idea, James: Stop trying to walk all over me, because it doesn't work anymore.

[If one facial expression could say 'what is this I don't even', it would be this one.]

[That facial expression quickly turned into Liquid's customary angry face, however, because it was apparently his default expression.]

[Also, Emmerich had used his real name. The fact that the engineer knew his name was so unbearable that if he had dared do such a thing on Shadow Moses, Liquid would've done far worse to him than lock him in his lab.]

Who told you that--?!

[Full stop.]

[Something was niggling at the back of his brain like a tic, that annoying little itch when he was forgetting something important--]

[You could call me James.]

...Wait.

I told you that.

Dear God, I told you that.

[Oh God it was starting to come back to him. It was starting to come back and it was like a wave of what the fuck from the sea of why is this happening.]

[At least now he knew why he wasted all of that security on Emmerich's lab.]

...You could stand to look a little less nauseated, thanks.

Here I thought that my life couldn't possibly get stranger than FOXHOUND, but now I'm back in the land of magical dogfights, you have a backbone, and I thought it would somehow be a good idea to tell you my name.

I must be hallucinating again. That's the only rational explanation.

[Congratulations, Otacon, you're stranger than a blackops team that contains an anorexic Russian psychic, a giant Inuit shaman, a Russian cowboy, and Octopus.]

...Really? Everything else back home, you'll believe that. But this is where you draw the line between completely plausible insanity and just flat-out impossibility?

You are unbelievable, I swear.

FOXHOUND was at least a consistent insanity.

[You knew what you were getting into when you kissed the crazy supersoldier, Otacon.]

[Facepalm.]

[Sadly, yes. Yes he did.]

This is consistent enough. You're just being difficult.

[Telling Liquid to be less difficult is like telling the ocean to be less wet.]

Emmerich, have you looked around yourself lately? What part about being spirited off to a new world full of biologically impossible animals is consistent with your understanding of the universe?

It's insane, but it follows given rules of logic most of the time.

...

[NOW WHO'S BEING DIFFICULT]

Pot, kettle, black.

...Now you're just being stubborn--more so than usual.

The fact that I'm pointing out logical inconsistencies doesn't make me--

[beat]

No, this conversation is ridiculous and I'm not going to perpetuate it. I shall not waste my time arguing with a figment of my imagination.

...Okay, I take it back. You're acting kind of stupid now.

You really still think this is all a hallucination? Actually, maybe I shouldn't be surprised.

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